Every so often, I see status updates on Facebook saying that one should show support for people who suffer from depression, bipolar disorder, PTSD, cancer, autism, etc. To do so, one should change their status to one currently being read. Occasionally there's even a "I know 98% of my friends won't do it, but 2% will and they are true friends," or something of that ilk. As a person who has bipolar disorder with strong depressive episodes, as well as the exciting element of anxiety, these statuses tend to irritate me. Not because I think they lack good intentions, but because, quite frankly, changing your status to "show solidarity" does not help me when I'm having trouble with the condition that you are mentioning.
I will grouse about it to people, but it also occurs to me that I'm being unfair. Often, people are just told about X condition, and they should "show support," but they have no idea what that really means. People want to help, but they don't know what they should do. I am not an expert in any condition per se, I just know my own. However, here are some good general rules for depression, mania, and anxiety. Anybody else with other conditions, feel free to comment about your rules, and I'll happily update this blog with them.
1) Depression, mania, and anxiety are not fake to the person with them. Yes, in many cases it looks that it is happening for no good reason, and you really want to smack the person and tell them to snap out of it. Trust me, when I'm like that, I WISH I could smack myself and snap out of it. I am aware that in nine times out of ten, my brain is making up this depression, mania, or anxiety and it doesn't warrant it. However, when I am in that moment, I cannot see that, I am disabled by it, and trying to pull out of it is problematic. Likewise, simply telling someone, "Cheer up, it's not that bad," "calm down, you're being hyper," or "Don't worry about it" is not helpful and is horribly invalidating. When I'm depressed, manic, or anxious, they are very real to me. Simply thinking "happy thoughts" or what not does not fix my problem. To an outsider, I am overreacting, but to me, I cannot see it any other way. Don't discount the realness of the situation, or you will be pushed away.
2) Emotions are always valid. What they may not be are justified. Very related to the above. If the person is feeling depressed, anxious, or manic (for those not up on the lingo, I mean REALLY REALLY HAPPY), they have a reason. Saying they are wrong for feeling that is invalidating and will not help them. If anything, you're encouraging the notion that they are "broken" or "defective," something they probably already feel like. That being said, the trigger or the thought process leading up to the emotion may be faulty. That's where you start exploring with the person, "is this justified?"
Say I'm anxious about meeting a person. It's making me not want to meet them. Asking why I'm anxious in a non-judgmental way is more useful than telling me not to worry. Perhaps they are writing a book I'm interested in, and I feel I need to make a good impression because I write or am interested in that subject matter. Perhaps I'm afraid that they will judge me because I can be shy, and awkward in conversation. Perhaps I drop kicked their cat and they know I did that, or I'm afraid they will find out (side note: I would NEVER drop kick a cat. I love cats). The first two are probably not justified. Taking them apart and giving evidence about myself or the other person will do more to calm my anxiety and make me likely to meet up with them.
Example: I once was supposed to go to a birthday party at a jazz club for my then boyfriend, who is an actor. The partygoers were his friends who were fellow actors and musicians, some with notoriety. Being a shy, goth library sciences student, I was really anxious about going. While shopping for a purse for the party, I called my mother in a panic. Rather than her telling me not to worry, she let me explain that I was worrying that I would be boring, that I am not up to their standards. Then she started listing reasons why I would be fine, including that I could talk to them about similar topics (I know my way around jazz standards, and have done theater in the past, as well as writing). I calmed down enough, went to the party, and I was fine.
3) Depression and anxiety can be crippling. The other person will have to do the reaching out. Often I see people saying, "call me if you need someone" and putting the ball in the depressed person's court. It's a combination of not wanting to intrude and to show your willingness to be there. I know. I do it myself.
The problem is, depressed and anxious people often do not have the motivation to do the reaching out. Or, they are afraid of reaching out for fear of causing problems or taxing other people. They often stew in their own emotions, letting it drain them more and more. When they finally talk about it, it's overwhelming.
I'm not saying you shouldn't say "call me if you need someone." That IS important. I do keep that in mind and have been known to take people up on it. However, do not be afraid to call or text first if you know the person is having a hard time lately. It doesn't have to be on the hour. But a friendly, "how are you doing?" on a regular basis is invaluable. It shows the depressed or anxious person that you care. And if the depressed or anxious person answers negatively, DO NOT just say, "I'm sorry." Offer to call them, or arrange a time that you can call them if you texted them if either party was at work or otherwise occupied. Which leads to the next piece...
4) Venting is good. But don't leave it at that. Letting the person talk out their problems, angers, fears, depressions, anxieties, etc. is awesome. Letting it get bottled up will end badly. However, after a certain amount of time, simply talking about it is not going to help either. Chances are, the depressed, anxious, or manic person is going through it in their head, stewing about it, and has looked at it from every angle possible for them. Check for justified feelings, like in point 2, is a start. But also, try engaging them in something that is not them being trapped in their heads, like an activity.
Does the person like to do a craft? Suggest that you guys get together and do crafting together. Are they in school? Suggest time to do homework. Do they like a sport? Suggest you get together to work on the sport. Museums are their thing? Go to a museum. You guys can very well talk about what's weighing on the person's mind, and it should be done. But something else to do, especially if the other person goes, "let's do this, it's fun!" may help the depressed, manic, or anxious person feel better.
5) You may have to draw them out. Insist on it. Depressed and anxious people often refuse to get out of bed, leave the house, etc. They know they should get out, but they don't. Make plans when you can to do stuff. Make plans for a weekly lunch, a trip to the movies, etc. And if they say that they are too depressed or anxious to get out, try to get them to come out anyway. DO NOT tell them that they're being bad, or stupid, or anything like that. Also, no "you're disappointing me!" Remember, their emotions are valid. Again, either try to prove justified or not justified if you can, and tell them things that you two can do that are enjoyable. If they are really upset, or really insistent, let them be, but I would call later to check in on them. Furthermore, keep making plans. It's not you they're refusing to see, it's about their condition. Your persistence will help them know that you care.
6) Mental health days are okay. But keep them active. Occasionally, I am not functioning enough to go to work or school. I will then take off. It's okay to aid and abet this, BUT, do not let the person just lay in bed all day! Take them to a movie, go for a hike, window shop, make them move and be active! Inactive days tend to beget more inactive days.
Also, push them to go to work if these mental health days are more than once a month or so. They will feel better if working and doing something.
7) If they are not in therapy, it's okay to point them to therapy. Obviously not everyone has insurance or the time to go to therapy (I'm currently on hiatus because of my class and work schedule). And not everyone likes therapy. That being said, it's not a bad thing to be in therapy, and that is one of the bigger stumbling blocks for people--thinking it means you're crazy if you go to therapy. If the depressed, manic, or anxious person is not in therapy, suggest it! Tell them that it's no different from going to a doctor for a heart condition or strep throat, if necessary. Offer to help them research doctors with them. If necessary, offer to take them to them. Insurances keep a list of psychologists, social workers, and the like that you can consult. A psychiatrist may also be useful as well.
8) If they are on medication, respect their choice. I get well meaning people telling me that they have problems too, but learned to cope without medication, and I can too.
My response is, "I can cope as well, but when I take my medication properly, I don't have to talk myself out of killing myself nearly as much."
Some people don't want medication. That is valid. Some people really function a lot better on medication. That is also valid. Don't be the asshole that tells them what they should be doing, if THEY ARE FUNCTIONING in the main. HOWEVER, if things are problematic, from either not taking, or because they are taking, suggest that they talk to a psychiatrist. Do NOT tell someone to stop or take because you are not an authority.
I hope all of this helps. If people have additional suggestions, feel free to add them in the comments. Let's help people out, not just pay lip service to a concept.
